[Off Topic] The Funny ATC Thread

[UAF_Lt_Brenton]

OK, here we go with a new thread: The Funny ATC Thread.  Basically - post your funny ATC transcripts here (real,
virtual, whatever).  Don't make them up.

I'll start:

Learjet 45 taking off from an airport:

L45: Cleared takeoff, Learjet N12345

*Learjet takes off at steep angle*

ATC: Learjet 345, as soon as you have retrieved your passengers from the tail section, contact departure on 123.5

[McBrain]

[paraflyer]

American Airline Boeing 747 flight 1234 was contacting the control tower in Frankfurt, Germany for gate instructions.

In the United States, the control tower assigns gate numbers to the flight when it comes in, In Germany it is assumed
the flight already knows what gate to go to thus the control tower hasn't the information anyway.

The AA pilot didn't know this and thus was contacting the control tower for gate instructions.

Control tower: "Flight 1234, proceed to assigned gate."

AA 1234: "Do not have gate assignment, please state gate information."

Tower: "Haven't you ever traveled to Frankfurt before?!"

AA 1234: "Yes, it was in 1943. I was in a different Boeing and I didn't stop"

[Atom]

LOL, that's great.

[McBrain]

[edit]got it, with atom's help [/edit]



Post Edited ( 06-01-05 22:12 )

[paraflyer]

And here's one that not-so-off-topic:

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

[UAF_Lt_Brenton]

[johnc]

Saw this on the internet somewhere, can't remember where.

sometimes is is difficult to recognize voices over the headsets that they wear

ATC: report positions
Pilot One:(in hellicopter) holding position over some nav beacon
ATC: Roger
Pilot Two:(in hellicopter) You can't be holding position there, that's where I am.
Pilot one:(turning head to the right) Idiot, you're my co-pilot


If anyone knows where this is from, a link would be great


Johnc

[AphelionHellion]

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty - do a complete circle, a move
normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this
airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."


A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



Lots of commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and
some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots,
passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and angry.

ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."

Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullsh*t!"

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself.
American 411, was that you?"

American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."

NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"

. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.

[AphelionHellion]

I had to add these too

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Unknown aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

[Michelle Megan]

Ooo Ooo let me try I read this one from the "FLY! by terminal reality" user manual.

Peter Lert wrote:

"I recall flying in the New York area one day and hearing a harried controller ask an inbound Concord:

Controller - Uh.. Speedbird 5, could you decend 18,000 feet in the next 20 miles?

There was a moment's stunned silence on the frequency before a very cultured British voice floated down from the
heights:

Concord Pilot -  Oh, I daresay I could, old chap... but I'm afraid I couldn't bring the aeroplane with me... "

[La brique volante]

The sky looks pretty funny now!
I hope that in the future, there will be the sames sorts of transmission in space.......

Pffffffffffffff! I don't know about you, but it's incredibly hot at home today.
I will melt on my keyboard!
Get out and do sport rather than spending all your time here! Gooooooooo! It's the summer! It's the holidays! It's
(too) hot! Yahoooooooooooooooooo!



Post Edited ( 06-29-05 11:15 )

[C3PO]

And an old one:

ATC: AA1234, slow to 190 knots.

AA1234: Do you know what the stall speed of a MD-80 is?

ATC: No, but ask the guy in the left seat. I'm sure he knows.

[DocHoliday]

Contact!
Righto, chocks away!

Here's 3 I found not long ago:

QST19: Quest 19 (nineteen) heavy, requesting landing instructions.
APP: Quest 90 (ninety), turn right heading 050, descend to 3,000 until intercepting the ILS for runway 7 right,
frequency's 111.7
QST19: ...
APP: Quest 90, do you copy?
QST19: ...
APP: Quest 90, this is approach, do you copy?
QST19: ...
APP: Quest 90, you remind me of my wife, you never listen to anything!
QST19: Approach, this is Quest NINETEEN, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

.......

ATC: Oceanic flight 123, are you an Airbus 320 or 340?
OC123: 340, of course!
ATC: So would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 feet per minute or more climb?

.......

C765: This is Cessna 765, I'm out of fuel.
ATC: Establish best glide, squawk 7700, and say position!
C765: Ummm... I'm not really sure.
ATC: See any landmarks?
C765: Well, I'm here parked behind the hangar, and I can see the end of Runway 12. I'm sure the fuel truck will find
me.

*waves to Michi* lo there!

[oli_chose123]

ya know, thats one of the first time a topic makes me laugh that much lol
i dont have any to post...



Post Edited ( 06-30-05 18:01 )

[SiberianTiger]

Well, I'm not sure I will translate this right, but I think you will get idea anyway.

Antonov-2 (http://www.skydive-mv.de/Antonow/rundflug.htm) approaches an airfield and is continuously
driven to the next circle by ATC while other planes are landing. The pilot got tired of this.

An-2: This is 114, approaching with one engine running, gear don't retract, requesting landing clearace.

ATC rushes to clear path for him, An-2 makes it to land. ATC still not minding what type of craft it was,

ATC: What's your gear's status?
An-2: Gear down and locked back in 1959.





Post Edited ( 07-08-05 13:05 )

[robmueller]

lololololol very funny... made me laugh my head off... good to hear atc and pilots with a sense of humour

[AndyMan]

Wow. Talk about dredging up an old thread. However, here is a new one:

(As a note, in the US. Student pilots cannot fly into class bravo airspace without a specific signoff.)

Socal Approach: Cessna 9897F, vfr climb to 7000 approved.

Cessna: Uhh, approach, that would put me straight into class bravo, and I'm a student pilot, so I will stay here a
while if you don't mind.

Socal Approach: Tell ya what, I am the controller and I'm tellin you you're outside the class bravo right now, so don't
worry bout a thing.

(The cessna was, indeed, underneath the class bravo)

[skookum]

Lear N2945B: (thick slow southern drawl) "La-gw-aar-dia Clearance, this here's lear november two nine four five bravo looking
for IFR to houston with echo."

Laguardia clearance delivery: (busy controller replies at a hectic pace)
"lear45bravoyourclearedhoutsonasfiledsqwak3212altimeter2995."

Lear N2945B: (even thicker, slower southern drawl) "La-gw-aar-dia Clearance, this here's lear november two nine four five
bravo. Y'all hear how I talk? Well that's how I listens too."



Post Edited ( 03-13-07 02:20 )

[Urwumpe]

Teacher: "There is still another plane on our runway, go around!"
The flight student touches down, makes a comfortable turn around the waiting plane and taxis off the runway...

[n122vu]

Just found this one:

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot,
not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough for another one."

[UAF_Lt_Brenton]

Awesome! :D Keep 'em coming guys.

I'm back, by the way. :P

[R Groszewski]

[NOTE] Very sorry to bring up a dead thread agian, but couldn't resist sharing these:

"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend ... go ahead."

"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything.

"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."

"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."

"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."

"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"

"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"

"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"
(Response -"Rogah, switching!")

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."

"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."

"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."

"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."

"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for
the ILS approach. Call the tower."

"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more
cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."

"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."

"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."

"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."

"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"

"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."

"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Unable."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to
three thousand."

"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"

"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."

"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:

"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."

[Urwumpe]

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport.
One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.

Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate
turbulence on the east taxiway..."

[doggie015]

very good